Made for the Infinite

by | Jun 7, 2020 | Bold in Faith, Defining Success

How do you define success?

 

Podcasts explore it. Experts debate it. My friends and I often fall into circuitous discussions, trying to untangle a word that has so many of us chasing mirages that move as soon as we get close. 

 

This Defining Success series aims to explore what success means to us. Each installment will highlight a woman who has come to define success in a unique way, thanks to her experiences in faith, work, and life. 

 

My own experience with chasing success goes back as far as I can remember. I’m the oldest of four children, the only girl, a performer, and an achiever. As a kid, I knew exactly what I needed to do to attain success: work hard, do it all, keep it together and make others proud. TLDR; I love gold stars. 

To be fair, I wasn’t motivated solely by gold stars. I genuinely loved performing in shows, serving on student council, and studying hard. But as I grew up, I heard people around me praise me for my success. As a words of affirmation person, this feedback became addictive. As I grew up, the bar for success started to rise. It was less clear how I was going to earn those gold stars. I had to go farther, move faster, and be better in order to keep up. The measure of my success rested in what others said and thought about me. 

It wasn’t until years later that I started to notice this paradox:  the more I chased success and the more I achieved it, the less it fulfilled me. Even when I did achieve a brief moment of success, I was let down. It was fleeting and fickle. Yet I fooled myself into thinking that the next gold star would fulfill me, then the next one, and the next one – falling into a cycle that had held me captive for most of my life. Flashes of success faded into an insatiable desire for more.

The truth is this: we are created to desire the infinite, so worldly success will never truly satisfy.

No matter how hard we try, chasing success can’t possibly fill the deepest longings of our hearts. The only one who can fill that longing is God. 

Of course, we live in a culture that makes this truth hard to grasp – it’s a culture that glorifies success and striving and #bossbabes. Our culture offers likes and trophies and honors for a soul-crushing, life-sacrificing, competitive, and frankly exhausting price. And we can’t just take it anymore.

 

My experience chasing success can be seen most prominently through my six years as a pageant competitor. Yes, just like Miss Congeniality. While pageants might appear superfluous, they were actually incredibly intensive, strategic, and involved. I spent 3-4 hours each day training: practicing my talent, working out, preparing my paperwork, running questions for the interview, and selecting and organizing wardrobe. I worked with interview and talent and mindset coaches. It was my sport. I was eating, breathing, drinking, and sleeping pageants. In my mind, there was no more visible success than that of having a crown placed on my head in front of a cheering crowd. This, I was certain, would finally be the ultimate fulfillment. I put everything I had into my preparation.

For years, I lost and lost and lost.  In 2019, I got very close. In those final moments, standing hand-in-hand with the eventual winner, I felt the Holy Spirit wrap me up in His arms and say “you didn’t win, but it’s okay, I am here” and sure enough, a moment later I was named 1st Runner-Up. I was overjoyed for the winner. I felt proud of my performance. But then, the voices came out of the woodwork. 

 

People left voicemails and sent Facebook messages to tell me what I could have done better. Strangers were giving me pointers on my performance. It was overwhelming, disappointing, and exhausting. Because I defined success through the lens of what others thought, I now felt small and unworthy. What was initially a disappointment became a devastation. I had let people down! There was nothing more shameful than that. 

 

A few weeks later, an opportunity arose to compete at the National Sweetheart Pageant. It’s a national pageant for the women who placed in the top 5 at their respective Miss America pageants, and so I decided to go because I figured that I’d already done all the work – so why not just go and compete? I arrived and was surrounded by some of the most incredible, accomplished, hilarious, and beautiful women I had ever met. I remember the end of the preliminary night when six women received awards for high scores and I thought “well, there’s only a top 10, so I guess I’m out.” But (clearly by the grace of God) the next night I was named into the top 10, then the top 5, and then found myself holding hands with Miss Mississippi Molly May. A moment later, I was named the winner. The feeling I had at that moment is difficult to describe.

 

After five years of nonstop work, sacrifice, early mornings, tough decisions, and grueling training – I had won a national title. This was the dream of countless women. This was the success I had been chasing! I expected to feel elated, overjoyed, and most of all, completely fulfilled. Instead, when that crown was being placed on my head, my first thought was, “Wow, so many other girls wanted to win, I feel bad that there’s only one title.” You can literally see that thought cross my face in this photo:

I felt sad for the other girls who lost. Yes, I was excited, surprised, honored, and humbled. But this wasn’t the feeling of ultimate success that I expected. I thought it would fill those longings and give me permission to just rest. And it did do that – because, upon coming home from Sweetheart, I knew I needed to check in with my desire for success. I took it to prayer, and the Lord spoke clearly:

 “Jane, worldly success cannot fulfill your desire for the infinite, which is what you are created for.”

 “Worldly success cannot fulfill your desire for the infinite, which is what you are created for.”

In prayer, Jesus and I walked through my life. We walked through those peaks and also through the valleys. And he shared another beautiful realization:

Success is not about what we do, but about who we are.

In reflecting upon my time of preparation and competition, I realized how those years of training made me a better person. I became more resilient, courageous, strong, thoughtful, self-confident, and athletic. I met friends who I still treasure to this day. I earned thousands of dollars in scholarships – enough to pay off my student loans. And, as a bonus, I learned how to do full hair and makeup in seven minutes.

 

That’s a whole lot of success – even if I didn’t win a crown for years. Success is about who we are. It’s who we become on the journey. It is not about the outcome. And I’m prouder of the person that I’ve become through my pursuit of excellence than of any crowns or trophies or sashes. 

 

Instead of letting success rest upon achieving a particular goal, I wrote a mission statement to help me stay on the path towards the woman that I want to become:

  1. Live a courageous life
  2. Strive for excellence, not perfection
  3. Be grateful and generous
  4. Bear fruit that will abide

 

That’s how I measure my success. Am I living a courageous life? Am I striving for excellence, not allowing perfection to be the enemy of progress? Am I being kind to others and myself, prioritizing relationships, and being present to those around me? And does the work that I’m doing help build the kingdom?

 

I encourage you to pause and define success for yourself. Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What matters most to me?
  2. How can I measure my engagement?
  3. What makes me proud?
  4. What qualities and virtues am I developing?
  5. How am I taking care of my relationships?

 

Once your mission statement is clear, the measure of your success will be as well. Who you are matters more than what you do.

 

I’m rooting for all of your success – but most of all, for a clarity of mission that will lead to lasting joy.

 

Sign up for our free five day Work/Life email retreat!

    More Like This

    Matchmaking and a Snowstorm

    Matchmaking and a Snowstorm

    "You are sleepless; you want to judge everything, direct everything and see to everything and you surrender to human strength, or worse—to men themselves, trusting in their intervention—this is what hinders my words and my views. Oh, how much I wish from you this...

    Jane Kennedy

    Jane Kennedy

    Jane was born in Australia, raised in California, and is overjoyed to now call NYC home. She graduated from UCSB with degrees in Political Science and Communication and spent the past two years working in criminal justice reform. She is currently an MBA student at NYU Stern, focusing on entrepreneurship and strategy.

    Pin It on Pinterest