A few years ago, I walked into a confessional box at a New York City church and clasped my hands behind the screen.
“Father,” I said, “I am struggling with trust. I feel like I just don’t trust God. I used to trust Him, but I don’t anymore.”
The priest sat in silence for a moment and then responded, “I don’t think that’s true.”
“Why?” I asked.
And he said, “Because if you didn’t trust God, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be in confession. You wouldn’t be in this church. In fact, I think your struggle with trust is precisely because you do trust Him. A lot.”
That was not the first, nor the last, time I struggled to see the fruit of my efforts, or felt discouraged when I didn’t “feel” the way I wanted to feel. But one of the things I love about the faith is that it is not about how you feel. And praise God — because my emotions can be fickle.
The saints I most admire, the incredible people in my life — they are holy because they keep showing up. Whether or not they see the fruit of their efforts, they are consistent. In my struggle with trust, I kept showing up — to Mass, to confession, to prayer. Not because it felt great or I necessarily wanted to, but because I knew I needed it, even if I didn’t feel or see the fruit in that moment. That season, like most seasons, ended, and it taught me to keep showing up, as seeds germinated under the soil that eventually sprouted into a beautiful new chapter, and more importantly, a deeper relationship with God.
And I look back on that whenever I feel discouraged about my efforts — to remind myself that we have no idea what is going on under the soil.
I think sometimes about the difference between what’s “in the frame” versus “outside of the frame” — “in the frame” is what we see, our own version of events and experiences and day-to-day lives. Things that are “outside of the frame” are often only visible from a much higher vantage point. They come into focus when we get a new perspective, step away, or look back weeks or years later.
I’m one of the leaders for our Christians group at work. Every Friday, we lead a global rosary, and once a month, we gather in our office for prayer and discussion. And although we have hundreds, if not thousands, of people in these Slack groups, we typically end up with five to ten people in the room.
I know I can’t give myself too hard of a time for being disappointed when my reality doesn’t match my expectations. This is how we live in America!! We count results and outcomes. We measure our success by whether or not something “succeeded” by our standards.
But there there are still a thousand people who see that slack message. And a few of the people who see that message end up reaching out to me at different points, or running into me in the kitchen to share a story, or waving hi to me at church. Even though they’re not necessarily coming to the session, it doesn’t mean it isn’t having an impact.
And maybe it’s not only about seeing fruit in other people’s lives, but in my own: the courage and fortitude it takes to keep showing up, opening myself up to people in honesty and vulnerability, and trusting that the Lord uses everything (because He does).
So my question for all of us this week is this:
What are the outcomes you are hoping for in your efforts?
Is there a way that you can celebrate the consistency in your efforts today, even if it takes a while to see the fruit?
Let’s ask the Lord to give us the eyes to see how our efforts are bearing fruit, even, and especially, in the ways that are “out of the frame.” Much like that conversation I had about trust, I believe that the very fact that we keep showing up is itself a sign that we believe God is at work, tilling the soil and deepening the roots.
And always, well before we can see the harvest, He is.
In Christ,
Jane
What I’m loving lately
Today is a big day
My favorite novena in the world, the St. Therese Novena, begins today, leading to her feast on October 1!! It’s the perfect “first-timer” novena — here are the prayers (they take 60 seconds) for the next nine days; ask St. Therese to take care of your intentions, shower some roses on you from heaven, and then watch her work! You can read more about my experience with novenas (especially St. Therese’s) here:
Speaking of outcomes
Last week the Archdiocese of Arlington opened the cause of canonization for Tom Vander Woude, a local father who gave his life saving his son in 2008. His story is incredible, and a beautiful reflection on how obedience and trust throughout our lives plants seeds of heroic virtue. The story is deeply inspiring; you can read more here: “Sainthood Cause for Virginia Farmer Who Saved His Son Moves Forward”
Flat claw clips
My friend Julianna gave flat claw clips to us at her bachelorette and it’s become my go-to hair accessory. They’re like claw clips but classier, and (dare I say) French? I roll my hair in a bun and into one of these clips and feel totally put together. I thought I lost this yesterday and tore my house apart until I found it in a bag. High recommend!
Sabbatical / Paris recs?!
I am going on sabbatical to Paris in October (eeeep)!! I have been anticipating this since February, and I’m so ready for a little break to renew and recharge — if you ever done some sort of sabbatical, I would love to know how it went for you! I would love to spend lots of time reading and writing and walking through parks. Any must-visits / must-reads / must-dos?
Flannery O’Connor is an icon
My new book club read “Revelation” by Flannery O’Connor this week, and it’s just a banger. It’s a great short story to start with (also “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” which is another classic of hers). It’s a bit of a hit over the head, but I love her writing and think she uses language in such a powerful way. Here’s a podcast version and a great reflection on the story.
Prayer intentions
For Matthew who’s birthday was yesterday
For a big workshop at work today
For a friend’s special intention